To Serve and Protect
by Victorious Spirit
Summary: Roxanne explains her relationship with Robbie. Explores the "hurts so good" vibe that various TWOP people noted in a recent episode. Don't read it if you're not interested.


What was it about him that made her so certain, right from the start?  
  
Maybe it was the name. What kind of a guy uses the name "Robbie"? Rob or Bob, sure. But Robbie?  
  
Maybe it was just inference. She knew about his history. He'd been seeking something for a long time. You could see it in his decision to move in with the Camdens. His decisions to stay. She could see it in the way that he had looked up to Matt, and to the Reverend. Even seeing the way he drew closer to Annie when she went through that stage the winter before, rather than drawing farther apart.  
  
He wanted stability. He wanted direction.  
  
Kevin had told her a lot about Robbie. And it was all very useful.  
  
** ** ** ** ** ** **  
  
I think people fall on a continuum. At one end are those who need direction, and at the other are those that can give it to them. In between are the people who just don't know themselves very well.  
  
I've always known myself quite well.  
  
I guess my looks have distracted people from my real nature. The blonde hair and blue eyes. The petite frame. But once people really get to know me they know better than to dismiss me based on appearance.  
  
I can be sweet. I can be quiet and reserved. That's my choice.  
  
When I'm at work, I'll fall in line with the established order.  
  
But there's an important difference between me and the sheep I work with. It's a state of mind really.  
  
That isn't what you want to know about, though, is it?  
  
** ** ** ** ** ** **  
  
Like I said, I could tell with Robbie right from the start.  
  
I liked him. That eagerness to please.  
  
But I could also tell that he didn't really understand how much he wanted the type of help I could give him.  
  
I've told you I know myself. I think most people like me do. It's funny how other people don't tend to. They're looking for it without realizing what it is they're looking for, so they look for it in all the wrong places - in a church, for example. God is the great patriarch, but a very passive one. It's not enough for anything but a shallow existence.  
  
Some of these people are fortunate and come to an understanding of what it is they need. Usually, though, it's a process that takes quite a bit of time. Trial and error. Mainly error.  
  
That's the gentle route.  
  
I'm not always gentle.  
  
But I'm always kind.  
  
** ** ** ** ** ** **  
  
Sometimes I start out slowly. Our type of relationship takes a lot of trust. Think about it. You're taking over the steering wheel. What does it take to earn that kind of responsibility?  
  
It's irresponsible to take on that role if you can't handle it. It's harmful. It's like Rudyard Kipling said. You need to be able to keep your head in stormy waters. Of course, he assumed this only referred to men. Sexist pig. I think he was blinded by those societal norms. Still, he had a point. It's that state of mind that I mentioned earlier.  
  
I've seen couples - I guess I can call them couples - where that trust was misplaced. I'm not denying it can be abusive then. When false promises are made. Of course it's wrong.  
  
I'm not saying that things are smooth sailing even at the best of times. I expect mistakes. I expect to have to correct them. And I know it can be hard for those that are just being initiated into the relationship. Painful even.  
  
But there really is more pleasure than pain. I'm giving security to people that just don't function fully without it. And over time, they come to recognise that.  
  
I push. I push to the limit and then I stretch those limits. I can see it with him, you know. He's growing.  
  
** ** ** ** ** ** **  
  
He's been testing me. Pushing to make sure his boundaries are secure. He's helping to build up those boundaries, defining them.  
  
It started verbally. It was amazing how quickly he picked up on that. A real natural. Even his demeanor. Look at those eyes. Can't you see how he's looking for guidance?  
  
I guess last month was our real break through, though. I could tell he enjoyed it. Shoved up against the wall. Immobilised.  
  
I'm not saying it didn't scare him, but that's part of the enjoyment. Knowing that someone else is in control.  
  
I gave him some room afterwards. You've got to give people time to realize how they really feel.  
  
The first reaction may be rebellion. Partly because of the fear. Mainly because society tells you so.  
  
Society says: Be autonomous. Don't let someone else tell you what to do.  
  
But what kind of autonomy is that if you end up rudderless, drifting? Don't laugh. I've seen it happen. People break free and then become mired in apathy.  
  
It's important to give people the space to realize what they really want. Fear and society may help you bat down that desire for a while, but it'll surface.  
  
I could see it with him the next day. I dropped by - ostensibly to see Kevin. He was there in the kitchen.  
  
I did the best thing I could do.  
  
I ignored him.  
  
I could see the fear at first. He was tense. But he didn't leave. I knew then. Not that I'd been unsure before. But I really knew then.  
  
I didn't act right away. People who don't understand our type of relationships think there's a huge power imbalance, but there really isn't. Not if it's a healthy relationship.  
  
I waited for him to want me.  
  
And then I asked him out on a date.  
  
** ** ** ** ** ** **  
  
He was nervous.  
  
It was sweet, really.  
  
We went back to my place afterwards. I took it slowly at first. Made a joke of it. A blindfold, loosely tied. I undressed him. Button by button. Pushing him back on the bed. Laughing lightly. He was still nervous, no question. But that was okay. That was good, in fact.  
  
He acted surprised when I gave him a light smack on his rear. But then he laughed. So, I knew it was okay. One step at a time. Always measured.  
  
** ** ** ** ** ** **  
  
I didn't see him again until the next weekend. There's no point rushing these things. It's like I said before. I had to give him time to realize what he wanted.  
  
It was sort of cute. We went to the Pool Hall, and I kept the conversation light. Teasing him. Knowing what he really wanted. Letting him wonder if I'd give it to him. I did, of course.  
  
Over the next few weeks our visits became more frequent. And more intense.  
  
Baby steps each time. Stretching his boundaries. Breaking down the barriers.  
  
** ** ** ** ** ** **  
  
I truly love leather.  
  
There's something about its sleekness, its smell.  
  
It's not a fetish with me the way it is with some people, but I do enjoy it.  
  
It didn't take that long for us to progress to something a little more intense than a light smack on the rear. It's like I said before. I could tell that he'd been searching for something.  
  
I forced him to learn to control himself. To serve.  
  
Serve. I guess that's another thing that people who aren't part of our world just don't understand. They think that we're training slaves. That's just foolish. The service goes in both directions. It's a mutually beneficial relationship.  
  
I'm not saying I don't enjoy the perks. You're looking a little squeamish, dear. I guess I'd better not be too graphic?  
  
The thing is, it's work for us too. We have to be aware of the others' needs in a way that they don't have to be aware of ours. After all, they follow. We lead. We need to take into account everyone's needs when we decide on a direction.  
  
It's like the police force motto: To serve and protect. That's what we do, really, but on a more personal scale.  
  
** ** ** ** ** ** **  
  
Discipline's not as frequent as outsiders think. Most of it's for pleasure.  
  
I know that must sound strange to you.  
  
I could cite numerous scientific studies that help to explain the phenomenon. Pain and pleasure aren't that far apart. There's a whole physiological element.  
  
I won't deny there's a psychological element too. But personally I think it merely intensifies a tendency that's already there.  
  
He felt abandoned by his mother. It doesn't matter how irrational that is. He blames himself. He feels guilt, and the only way he can be relieved of that guilt is to be punished. The Catholics have it right as far as that goes.  
  
That need to be punished, to gain forgiveness, it's already inside him.  
  
He punishes himself now. I relieve him of that. Take care of it for him.  
  
** ** ** ** ** ** **  
  
When we're done, especially if it's a long session, I give him a chance to recover. The ties come off. I leave the blind fold for him to remove after I'm gone. I can hear him breathing as I leave the room. Panting.  
  
I come back in after a few minutes, and he's ready for me. And we make love.  
  
You won't understand how intense it is. I won't try to explain it.  
  
I won't defend it either.  
  
You won't understand it.  
  
Not until you get to know yourself better. 


End file.
